*** army?

We seem increasingly worried as a society about whether people take offence rather than whether offence was intended.

I understand something of the history of the ‘y-word’. I understand that it can cause offence, and I understand that the offence caused is genuine. People are free to be offended. I’m offended that I feel pressured into writing the “y-word – something must be done! But people should be free to offend unless their behaviour is illegal.

When Tottenham fans chant “y** army” the intent is not to offend members of the Jewish community. Obviously some are offended, some are not. I don’t actively want to offend people but nor do I want “not offending people” to be the main driver for how I should act. Let’s have a debate about whether Spurs fans should moderate their behaviour by all means. Let’s agree to disagree if we must. But please leave talk of arrest, prosecution and of banning words out of it.

Instead, enforce the existing legislation so that racists using offensive language are prosecuted. Leave people who clearly do not intend to cause offence from having to moderate their own behaviour to stay within the law, or a football stadium.

As for the suggestion that Spurs fans promote a ‘call and response’ culture in which others feel “legitimised” to hurl the “y-word” back with added vitriol – nothing legitimises racism.  Do we ban behaviours now because disgusting racists might respond in a disgustingly racist way? By all means people are free to not like that Spurs fans chant the y-word, but we do not shoulder the responsibility for other people. If rival fans use the word “y**” “back” at Spurs fans without realising that it can be offensive, then educate them. I really don’t believe many (say) Chelsea or (say) West Ham fans who use the word aggressively in reference to Spurs fans don’t know something of what it means, or that they don’t get a kick for that very reason. They’ll be the same fans making the hissing noises and singing their jolly songs about Hitler and Auschwitz on the tube or in the pub. They know.

Then there is the argument that “we wouldn’t accept this if e.g. a mostly white crowd in Brixton used the n-word”. It seems hard to understand how such behaviour could be acceptable but that’s precisely because it doesn’t happen – because there is no context. Context is all here. It means we can look at things in a different light and it would be reprehensible if we didn’t do that. People might not like that non-Jewish people are using the y-word but they are, and so the theoretical set of fans in Brixton is not a fair comparison. The history, the context – they matter. If the hypothetical fans in Brixton had been singing their songs for decades – it might seem less hard to get our head around.

People should not be free to act in a bone-headed way as soon as they get through the turnstile. Threatening and racist behaviour is unacceptable anywhere. I have challenged it on a number of occasions – at Birmingham City I was made to feel by a steward that I was a trouble-maker for complaining about the hissing from the home stand. I challenged fellow Spurs fans on a number of occasions for the use of homophobic, racist chanting against Sol Campbell (I would have preferred a consultation and more action from the club on that issue as opposed to this one, incidentally).

But on those occasions language was used to intimidate and offend either a group or an individual.  Spurs fans using the y-word is clearly intended as a joyful, positive thing and whilst people are free to find it a less than joyful thing, or to wish that they would stop using it or to think they don’t have the ‘moral right’ to use it – they shouldn’t have the right to ban it.

Let’s use the law against the thugs and racists. Let’s enforce bans on thuggish or racist behaviour. I’m not a thug or racist. Leave me alone.

cold turkey (part II)

This is part II of my look forward to the summer transfer window. Part I can be found here: http://wp.me/p116Ss-3K

The who?

 You know, the guy you know you should have heard of but haven’t. The one Wenger knows all about. That guy who’s tearing up the Greek second division. The third leading scorer at Le Havre. The 24 year old Peruvian fella turning it on for Newell’s Old Boys. I’m making these up, but you know the kind of player I mean, or more to the point, you don’t. Someone who can come from nowhere, or even just from leftfield – Hernandez made his mark in the world cup before he made his United debut but he wasn’t an obvious spot. There must be others out there. Problem is, I reckon ‘Arry has about as much of a clue where as I do. Let’s hope whoever spotted Sandro still has some influence, and we could yet save a hell of a lot of money. Risky, though…

 The young guns?

 Connor Wickham. Lukaku (again). The next big thing. You have to give them time which is not a luxury we have. Added to that, it’s not a luxury Redknapp really has given that next year will surely be his final season with us. So whilst I’d love to see us invest in youth, I’d prefer we go for Modric style youth. 22 and ready to burst fully fledged on to the world stage. By all means buy the next Bale if you spot him, but unless he’s preternaturally ready for the big time it won’t help us next year. The word is Lukaku might be.

 We need to think carefully this summer. Identify targets who will keep us in the hunt. Next season looks all the world like being a mini-league of five at the top. Do we want to take risks to make it a six or do we drop down a level? I would suggest that Defoe and Pav should be operating at that lower level. I would hope we could get £20m for the pair of them. Any bottom-half premiership team would snap them up and we’ve seen the premium on strikers with Darren Bent recently. Add that to £15m or whatever we get for Jenas / Keane / Bentley / Kranjcar plus some good old fashioned investment and is it so outlandish to think we could spend £45-£50m on a big gun and a one more contract-or?

 Based on last summer, it probably is. My big fear is that our targets this summer might be in a fifth category. The why. I really do not want us to be chasing Scott Parker, not unless he’s on the cheap and doesn’t prevent us signing top quality in the areas where we need it. Nor do I want to sign anyone because they are ‘premiership quality’. Odemwingie, to name a random player, is Premiership quality. But so is Defoe. We need top mini-league quality. Harry needs to resist any temptation to sign players just because he knew their granddad or because he’s a lovely lad he had him at West Ham / Pompey triffic triffic triffic.

 Sadly, I am now at the point where I also think we need a top quality goalkeeper. I still love you Heurelho, but I also still love Paul Robinson and I don’t want him to be my number 1 either. I want the Gomes of the final two thirds of last season back, but I don’t know where he is and I’d rather end it cleanly than to see a once beautiful relationship fizzle out in acrimony.

There are two main reasons put forward to replace him. One is that it’s affecting our defenders’ game: I’m not so sure about this. I reckon that in general it’s not knowing what your keeper will do that affects  your game. With Gomes, he tends to come for everything and, mad minute against Blackpool aside, by and large it’s effective in a wobbly heart murmur kind of way. Do defenders really change their game when they know their keeper might spill a shot they should be trying to block anyway? I don’t think so. For me, it’s simply that the balance has tilted. The ratio of amazing saves to gaffes has altered and it’s just not worth persevering with any more. Replacing a keeper is a tricky business. You can’t really rotate, and if you get it wrong it’s easy to move backwards. But as with the strikers, there must be a few improvements available on the market this summer, and we don’t have to aim for the best in the world. We just need someone better. Let it be said though – at his best, there is… was… no-one better.

 I’d also like a new right back and if we can get the lone frontman right I might think about giving Fvondefvoort a bit of competition, but I’m not fussy. I’d take two good quality strikers and nothing more if it was on offer.

 And that’s it. Let the idle speculation flow. Let the rumour mill spring into action. Let us look to the future, because the present is just a bit too depressing.

 The four most important months of next season have already begun. We simply have to get it right.

cold turkey (part I)

In a season that has rapidly tailed off, for Spurs and for this blog, perhaps now is the time to put down some thoughts about next season.

 Last night’s was a game against a team headed for the stratosphere. Good luck to them, or at least to their fans. For the next couple of years they get to live the dream, before becoming just another oil rich set of supporters with a sense of entitlement. Soon they will yawn at the carling cup. Second will be below their level. The Champions League group stages becomes a chore to be endured. You can see it already – their celebrations last night lacking the wild-eyed delirium of ours last year. Passion dulled by expectation. I’m not knocking them. It’s human nature and my own feelings about qualifying (or not) for the Europa Cup would no doubt seem similarly curmudgeonly to a Stoke City fan. But the CL has got into my system and I’d rather go cold turkey than be placed on the Europa methadone program. At least I can still gorge upon a feast of metaphor. Over the last couple of years there’s been a seismic shift in the way the Champions League spots are contested.  This summer is going to be all about whether we can stay in the mix once the plates stop moving.

 So what should our transfer strategy be? Football is a simple game, a wise man once said. Or to put it another way, just get on the pitch and fucking run about.

 How much more can there be to say about something so obvious? It’s getting painfully difficult to find new insight about our failings. I reckon our strikers aren’t up to much.

 The problem with seeing football as a simple game, as Harry does, is that in the end its quite simple. The team with the better players generally wins. Looking at the league now, it’s hard to argue that the order of the top 7 (and perhaps 8 the way Stoke are playing at the moment) doesn’t reflect this completely accurately. We were better than Liverpool. Now they are better than us. Why? Because goals win you games, and we have scored less than West Brom this season.

 We were linked with Carroll and Suarez and it’s now clear that either would have been a great signing for us. We missed a trick, and a rival stole a march. The knock on effect of Torres’ sale to Chelsea inflated the price but last summer, before Liverpool came sniffing, we probably had the buying power necessary to bag at least one of them. Not that a mostly injured Carroll would have made much of a difference this season, but more of one than a mostly fit Defoe.

 How deep into our pockets will we dig, and for who? That’s clearly the key question this summer. It has to be strikers first, right? Otherwise we have a Wenger like blind-spot going on here. Seems to me there are four types of frontmen we can go for.

 The big guns

 There are the strikers we covet along with most of Europe. Cavani. Rossi. Aguero. Lukaku. Some others I’ve forgotten. Some will be snapped up by bigger fish, but some won’t. Those leftovers will have something to prove and will want to increase their reputation at a team like Tottenham, a team crying out for a 20 a season man. These guys still represent a risk, to varying degrees. A big rebrovutation does not guarantee a big return. Some are clearly not at their peak yet (Lukaku is 12, for example). Some may just be flavour of the month. The Belgian Franny Jeffers. The Michael Ricketts of the Mezzogiorno. But none represent a bigger risk than another summer trying to make Joe Cole your marquee signing.

 The one-more-contract crew

 The established marksmen looking for an ego-saving big team to make up for the fact that the even bigger team no longer wants him. Let’s call him Dimitar Drogba. I have no shame. If either of those muppets wants to take a huge two year contract to improve my team, I will live with it. Just as we’ve managed to do with Gallas. Of the two, Drogba would be my preference. Politics plays as much of a role in team selection as performances at Chelsea, and I reckon Drogba still has another year or two in him. All of this depends on so many factors of course. Perhaps his ego doesn’t let him play for a team slightly lower in the pecking order. Perhaps he wants to be top drog at Marseille or Juve instead. Perhaps all those insults about his father being a rapist have put Berba off – how very over-sensitive of him. Milito might be a possibility as well, depending on how his disappointing season at Inter has been viewed. Forlan too. I have one criterion here – if available, do they improve the team? Adebayor is probably a big gun rather than a one more contractor, but the same holds true for him. In fact, I’d love to see it just to put an end to the debate about whether the obviously racist song about him is racist or not.

part II follows VERY soon…

it’s over

My long holiday continues. I hope to spend the Saturday night of my stag do writing the report for Chelsea away however. Apologies in advance…

Thanks to Whatwouldjimbodo? for standing in – sorry its up so late! And if we somehow perform the miracle, let the record show it was Oog who chose the title!

I was asked to write a guest blog by the Oog, I was naturally hesitant, but bribed into it with a free ticket to the match. Before the game I’d put a few sentences together that I thought might sound like I could write a blog. A couple of these were:

Well every game’s a cup final now, and as cup finals go, I prefer mine against West Brom not Arsenal.

The North London derby always seems a little isolated from the goings on in the league, but having escaped with dignity intact, and maybe even a moral victory, it is back to the hunt for 4th.

Unfortunately, although I always saw this as a tricky game, I didn’t really think we wouldn’t win. In fact, Saturday’s game encapsulated much of what we have done wrong this season.

‘Arry has repeated his mantra in recent weeks, “it’s gonna be harder this season than last, what wiv City spending 400 gazillion quid etc”. “Next season will be harder again, what wiv Liverpool gettin better etc”.

The truth is: it hasn’t been harder this season. In the last 10 seasons the average points haul needed for 4th place has been 68 points. Last season we scored 70 points. We are simply not going to make those points targets this year, but it has nothing to do with Man City spending gazillions of petrodollars. We thoroughly outplayed City at the Lane, got 4 points from Arsenal, have taken points from Chelsea and United. In the mini table at the top we’ve fared reasonably well.

We’ve failed to beat West Brom, Wigan, Blackpool, Wolves, West Ham.

The Baggies (who thoroughly deserved their point) celebrated as if they’d taken all 3 on Saturday, and the truth is, nearly every side would take a point from an away match with Spurs nowadays. Chelsea and United both sat deep and hung on. We don’t have the strikers to consistently pinch the goals to win those games…….which seems a little unfair as both our strikers scored on Saturday, but we all know it is true.

So, it’s over. Well that’s how it seems to me. We’ve come up short, and in a strange way, not because we weren’t good enough. We have however had an amazing season.

We’ve seen 9 times European Champions grace WHL, we gave them a pretty decent game at the second time of asking. We’ve monstered Milan, which ever flavour you care to mention. We’ve taken 4 points from the ole enemy, and generally been the neutrals team of choice. At times we’ve played some of the best football I’ve ever seen at the Lane. Roll on next season, roll on Spurs.

Unless of course we beat Chelsea, and then…………

loser talk

Oog is on holiday so thanks to the Bagel for stepping up to the plate again. Hopefully there will be another guest contributor for the West Brom game

 There are two things that make football great – high drama and top gameplay. Last night’s North London Derby had them both.

It’s easy to spout superlatives amplified by the headlines in this morning’s papers but I don’t remember seeing such a well contested and evenly matched 90 minutes in a very long time. I might even stretch to “ever”.

It’s a shame that the big ink crowning the column inches seem mainly to have focused on arsenal screwing it up again. That may have been true when our neighbours contrived to gift us a win in their back yard with a serious of ridiculous handballs earlier in the season but it really wasn’t at hot and humid White Hart Lane yesterday evening. The scoreline was dead on and, realistically, those goals could have come in any order and at any time. It just so happened that the way they did flattered our side the better. But merely flattery it was.

While the Wenger Boys’ dropped points might leave them further out of touch from their season’s ambition by a quick glance at the table today, the result was nearly as dream-shattering for the Yid Army – all of whom there in the ground made sure that we voiced just what we thought of the club’s Jumbotron request to cut out the greyer area of racism. This was an “easy” game for us. Sure, the point lifts us to a position behind City where if we win our remaining six fixtures, we will finish in the Champions League positions, but, when those fixtures include trips to Anfield and Stamford Bridge, one has to wonder whether the Manchester Blues will let us get away with a pair of no-pointers of their own.

Perhaps the biggest shame of last night was our attitude – and I’m talking about the players and the fans, if indeed the moods of the two are as inseparable as the pragmatist might have us believe. We let ourselves down three times. The first time was forgiveable. The atmosphere was intense even before the kick off. “Come on you Spurs!” rang out across the stadium as loud as any battle cry ever heard within our four stands and not even Huddlestone’s grave error nor Walcott’s piercing reply could dampen the mood.

“Come on you Spurs!” yet again; crowd on their feet; fans as one – it was almost so easy when Van der Vaart bagged the equaliser moments later. He’d say it was the crowd that carried him through but with all the best will, the most heart, most noise in the world – if there’s one thing we’ve learned playing with the big boys this season, it’s that sometimes that’s just not quite enough. Neither Milan nor Real Madrid gave in to our charms and few could confess that there wasn’t a small voice in their soul that wondered if we could break through Arsenal just as easily as we seemed to any side at the end of last season and the beginning of this one.

With that first netting came the belief. We could do this again and again. It wasn’t going to be a problem tonight. The question was how many times they would do it back to us? But it wasn’t here where we let ourselves down.

Our first fall came after the second goal. Whether it was the manner in which it was scored, our breathless support, the heat of the night, it was hard to tell, but we dropped our guard just enough as a crowd for our visitors to gather their courage. But this is to be understood. It’s the way of the game. Ebb and flow. Periods of domination. If we could keep that tempo going every 90 minutes of every game, we’d win the Premier League year after year – but then so would any club whose fans could manage it too.

L’arse found their feet and for once Gallas – or Willy as he is fast becoming known – for once his mind seemed to outstrip his ability when he decided to keep the ball from going out for a corner and instead gifted an easy crossing chance to the Shit Aaron Lennon for Van Persie to tuck home at the second time of asking. At 3-1 the fight was by no means out of us but it took that sweetest of trademarks that is the Huddlestone daisy cutter to get the crowd up to 11 once again.

Thinking about it now, his goals have been sorely missed. No. He has been sorely missed. Until that moment in the game, O Tommy Tommy had been the weak link and probably the only player on the pitch who wasn’t on his game. It’s not surprising that such a fine tuned, talent as his, chipping passes with no margin for error, takes a few games to calibrate itself after a serious operation but it’s been well worth waiting for. Not only does he match a long range Yin to Modric’s short pass Yang but those thunderbolts are like shock troops. Such emphatic strikes charge the fans far more than a simple tap in and to the defenders and their tribe, they’re stakes through the heart. We are the Carthaginians, Redknapp is Hannibal and Huddlestone is his war elephant.

If ever you need a goal to mark a comeback, it’s one like that. At side on, I had no idea how neatly it curled into the corner or how aware VDV had to be to jump out of the way but the sight that will never leave my mind’s eye is that of Szezesney, feet rooted to the spot, head twisting to watch the ball hit home.

There are a few performances that stood out on the night – out ahead of all 22 men who appeared to play at the top of their game. The aforementioned Willy, mistake aside, was superb. Whether it’s knowing his old team mates, the familiarity with that countering style of play or just the presence of mind as a fantastic centre half, I don’t know but he reads the game in a way that I’ve not seen in a Lilywhite shirt before. While Ledley always had the tackling ability and the pace to stop anyone or anything, Gallas has the brain to see it all happening before it actually does. A fantastic cover tackle on Walcott(?) to save an almost certain goal when he already had a man of his own to mark springs to mind.

Bale didn’t have his best ever night but then Sagna might be my pick for best right back in the league. While the Frenchman loses by a nose on pace, he’s just that tiny bit tougher in the air, and our man doesn’t seem to relish those heavier moments when those two duel. If I had to call it, I’d say that Sagna is the full back that plays Bale best.

The other point of personal combat was more gratifying for the Spurs fan. At the core of the teams sat the two most skillful players on the pitch – two of the most gifted in the world. If they weren’t all about attack, they might have cancelled each other out but instead Fabregas and Modric between them set the tempo for every attack on the field. The most glorious moment of all though was when the two came head to head near the touchline in a series scuffles to gain control of the ball and it was our man who won the battle and in everyone else’s minds, the war.

The final mention before the actual final mention – the bit I´ve been trying to get round to – is for Younes Kaboul. I was beginning to think that I was the only person who saw him perform so well at right back for our run in last season. While he might not be quite as canny as Charlie, I still feel that he’s our best player in that position. He’s quick, fantastic in attack, no fool in defence and superb in the air. Sure, he’d rather be a centre half but if you can perform like that against Arsenal, then where’s the problem?

Last of all, man of the match has to be VDV, funnily enough. Yes, he scored two goals, yes he nearly got himself into a heap of trouble, yes, he dives, yes, he is a gamesman and even, yes, he has been something of a frustration of late but, last night he put us all to shame. There was a horrible feeling that came over every single person, to a man, inside that stadium. The most horrible part of all is that no one even realised it. Maybe not everyone admitted it to themselves but, with 10 minutes left to play, the thought lurking in the corner of every single mind was, “We’ll take a draw”. Every single mind but one. Rafael Van der Vaart.

Since that whistle was blown, it’s been a world of “what a fight”, “great character”, “amazing comeback”, “the title’s not out of reach” and, frankly, it’s all loser talk. All VDV said was “we could have won”.

He’s not interested in the spectacle, the fairness of the game, whether or not we deserved to win or if he’d had to cheat to do it. It doesn’t matter that arsenal had chances. It’s of no consequence. We had chances and we didn’t take them. It might not have been right but we could have won, and no one will remember or care how good the game was when the season’s out and we’re not in the Champions League. I don’t know how long we’ll have Van der Vaart and I don’t know how long we’ll want to but we need more players like him; not players that don’t know when they’re beaten but those that never entertain the idea in the first place.

facere quatro

I’m tempted not to go tonight. Not that tempted, obviously. I’m going. If you were to try to tempt me not to go, you would fail. So I’m lying through my teeth. I’m finding the prospect of going very tempting.

 What would it take to beat Real Madrid tonight on aggregate? A man sent off? Two? Even then they will just park their severely depleted luxury bus in front of goal, and send Ronaldo out on a sortie to nab them an away goal to relieve a bit of pressure. It just isn’t going to happen, and the tiny little part of me that thinks “maybe it could” is like the tiny little part of me that thinks “maybe there is a god” or “maybe I’ll win the lottery”.

 It couldn’t. There isn’t (to be reviewed if a miracle happens tonight). I won’t.

 So basically I can’t be arsed tonight, but it would be too weird to watch it from my sofa. It’s a duty. Such a chore. I’ll go along to say “well done boys, it’s been a blast”. Pay my respects. I’ve reverted to type. I’m bored of the Champions League and am fixating on coming fourth again. Audere est facere quatro. It’s all about qualifying for the Champions League. I don’t even want to win the Champions League because qualifying isn’t the same unless you get to play in a qualifier. I’m a purist.

 How fixated? This fixated…

 [Why don’t you all join me – I didn’t bother with Chelsea and to be honest I don’t think I needed to bother with Liverpool.

 Send me your predictions and the one who is nearest the mark wins a grudging amount of respect, unless its whatwouldjimbodo in which case we’ll just delete this post and pretend it never happened.]

 From Oog

To: Whatwouldjimbodo /TheBagel /Dave /Croobs

 Date Tue, Apr 12, 2011 at 12:17 PM

Subject: its that time of year…

mailed-bygmail.com

 hide details 12:17 PM (23 hours ago)

 I’ve tried to be realistic and if anything harsh on Tottenham

 LIVERPOOL

 17/4 Arsenal (a) – 0                                                                                                                    23/4 Brum (h) – 3                                                                                                                            1/5 Newc (h) – 3                                                                                                                              9/5 Fulh (a) – 3                                                                                                                              15/5 Spurs (h) – 3                                                                                                                        22/5 villa (a) – 1

 TOTAL – 61 points

 MAN CITY

 25/4 – blackburn (a) – 3                                                                                                               1/5 WHU (h) – 3                                                                                                                              7/5 – everton (a) – 1                                                                                                                         10/5 – Spurs (h) – 1                                                                                                                        14/5 – Stoke (h) – 3                                                                                                                     22/5 – bolton (a) – 1

 TOTAL – 68

 TOTTENHAM

 20/4 Arsenal (h) – 1                                                                                                                  23/4 – WBA (h) – 3                                                                                                                     30/4 – Chelsea (a) – 0                                                                                                                   7/5 – Blackpool (h) – 3                                                                                                                   10/5 – City (a) – 1                                                                                                                             15/5 – Liverpool (a) – 0                                                                                                              22/5 – Brum (h) – 3

 TOTAL 64

 Conclusion – we can’t lose to city, we have to win the games we really should win, and we might need a stupendous couple of results out of the Arsenal / Chelsea / Liverpool games.

 Or we hope that city fkk up, which is still a possibility. It’s wrong to wish injury, but I hope the Tevez injury is a niggling little two monther….

in lieu

There’s a go-slow going on at the Coconut Shack at the moment. And not in a relaxing, take it easy, lilt advert way. I’m moving house this weekend, planning a wedding, sunbathing, blah blah blah. Stuff. In addition lady Oog celebrated her birthday weekend in fine style by joining me at the Stoke game.  It certainly made the goal celebrations much more fun than with my usual matchday companion – Dave’s kisses are so bleeeeh. On the other hand, sticking the headphones in and getting the post written on the tube home wasn’t an option. So in lieu of a fully formed post here are a few quickfire observations.

 Pav’s a rum one. I want to say that if he doesn’t score, he does nothing. But in fact, he set up two of our goals and on Saturday at least was a reasonably effective link man. At times, though, he struggled to play even the simplest of balls. I still want to get rid. I don’t trust him as anything other than the fourth striker out of four. Even then you want to bring someone off the bench who can scare a defence with raw pace or with being six foot seven or whatever. “An eye for goal” is so last decade.

 I don’t mind if VDV isn’t always vfontastic – not even wonderboy is perfect every week. I just want him to sublimate his typically tedious Dutch-international ego for the good of the team when he isn’t. On Saturday he worked hard, put in a shift and didn’t moan. Hopefully he will learn – if he can do that then he won’t always be substituted.

 Good to see Huddlestone and Kaboul slip effortlessly back into the team. Kaboul was emerging as a genuine first team pick before his injury. Until the emergence of Sandro he would have been a shoo-in for most improved player of the year (or whatever it is they call it). Huddlestone is back in time for the run-in and we have really missed him. Along with Bale’s brilliance and Pav’s purple streak, it was the Hudd-Mod axis that did the most to take us to fourth last year. Not simply due to the pleasing blend of creative qualities they possess, but also because of how well they worked as a unit to shield the centre backs against Chelsea and Arsenal. If we’re to do something similar this time round, we’ll need them both. We’ll work out how to fit Sandro in and around them over the next seven games (and in time let’s hope that becomes a proper headache for Harry).

 I completely missed the Corluka clash with one of our own, but to be honest it’s a storm in a teacup. He strikes me as a mild mannered sort, and I doubt the same can be said of the fan. I well remember the free kick, which he ballsed up at a time when we were hanging on. I wasn’t particularly mild mannered myself. By all means curse and howl at the sky until you’re blue in the face at the maddening frustration of it all – I do – but if you are in the front couple of rows and comfortably within earshot, keep your personally directed insults to yourself. Supporter – the clue is in the name.

 I’m surprised no-one else picked up on Ricardo Fuller shoving (gently) one of our fans either, but it’s probably a good sign that they didn’t. Not everything needs to be a tabloid outcry a la Rooney. Again, the mug in the crowd probably deserved it and quite possibly realised as much. You could see Delap was getting a load of hassle as well but I got the impression it was good natured – he seemed to take it with a smile. I don’t know much about him but he strikes me as a normal decent bloke who just happens to be a premiership javelin thrower.

 Talking of Delap – how untottenham that we didn’t concede from any of his missiles, especially as it was a day in which he didn’t need a towel to dry the ball.

 I love it when Modric scores.

I want to know if anyone ripped up a winning betting slip when the station announcer at Northumberland Park erroneously informed hundreds of punters that Calgary Bay had won the National.

 As Calgary Bay cannot confirm (too busy eating sugar lumps), a win is a win is a win. That’s all there is to it at this stage of the season. Cue gripe. It’s frustrating that no matter how well we play, we never kill a game off and enjoy a relaxing final twenty minutes. At some point that’s going to catch up with us. For once, it was dodgy defending rather than dodgy defoe-ing (and co) to blame. But a win is a win is a win.

 Ok, apologies for the prosaic prose people. It takes hours (1.5 of ’em) of loving care to grow a normal quality post so stick with me because the next report is going to be all about the most famous victory in the history of our history. Or anyone else’s. I’m so confident, I’ve already written it.

 Well – you never know……..

No angle

The prospect of two beautiful days in short sleeves and flip flops. Cold beer and mountains of tortilla in Retiro Park. We arrived in Madrid to a cloudless twenty six degree day. I’d secured a ticket to the game without being ripped off by a tout. I was not in Milan.

 A relaxing build up, and then Tottenham spent ninety minutes tying a huge knot in my stomach.

 Just the sight of the Bernabeu gave me goosebumps. For the first time in one of the European super-stadia (San Siro. Stadio Olimpico. St James’ Park) I was not up in the gods. Our seats were secondtiertastic and the atmosphere was first rate. As fizzing as a De Maria drive into the far corner.

 Reactionary crypto-fascist oppressors they may be, but I rather liked the Madridistas the Bagel and I were sat with. Except for the constant shovelling into mouth and spraying onto floor of sunflower seeds. By the final whistle the Bernabeu resembled the bottom of a budgerigar’s cage, and not just because we were in the shit. They were good sports and joined in with the banter in our bizarrely mixed zone. They also had the good grace to leave well alone as the goals flew in.

 As for the result? Fans like to talk about where their club should be, and what they should be achieving. Most of the time it’s utter tosh:

 ‘We should be challenging for the league’;

 ‘We should be playing this [insert name of multiple European cup winning team here] off the park at our place’;

 ‘We should be buying [insert name of player who has pick of all Europe’s top clubs]’.

 Its not quite like that though. The reality is that if we go down to ten men, we should lose four nil at the Bernabeu. Especially when the standard tactic for a ten man Tottenham is to lump it up to the fella who’s just been dismissed.

 I’m writing this on the flight back and in just that short space of time, I have heard fans moaning about Harry bringing Defoe on instead of Pav. About not telling the players to get stuck into the Madrid players to provoke retaliation and a levelling up of the numbers. Of Corluka being a liability. That Redknapp should have told Lennon to shut up and get out on the pitch. I don’t agree with any of those points. Roman Pavlyuchenko would not have made an iota of difference. If there was a magic option on the bench, we’d have used it. If a player says he feels weak, it might just be that he has a bug rather than an attitude problem.

 It’s simple. Eleven men were up against it. Ten men were valiant up to a point but couldn’t live with a powerful and slick Real. That’s it. It happened. There’s no angle needed to explain it. We’re going out. We aren’t going to win the Champions League. But we were never going to. If ten men were to have a chance our striker needed to be able to hold the ball up. Defoe or Pav in the form of their life wouldn’t be good enough to do that job against this opposition. I am generally critical of both, but it’s not their fault they aren’t Ibrahimovic or Drogba.

 So we never got to properly see the eleven versus eleven that, even at one nil down, might still have produced an interesting spectacle. We have no-one but ourselves to blame. Crouch decided this tie as surely as he decided the last. Moments of madness. Unnecessary lunges that invited – demanded – two yellows. I’ll forgive him. It’s not a popular view but he’s the one striker in our squad I wouldn’t be looking to ship out this summer.

 I’m finding it harder to forgive Van der Vaart. These days our hotheaded genius is simply a hothead. I’m sure he was angry when he was subbed at half time but he needs to cut out the stupid bookings and remind us all of how good he can be. He also missed what looked like one of our only two half-chances, when a long Bale throw-in caught out the Madrid defence. Perhaps it was too tight and hard to control – but that’s why he’s in the team and an equaliser would have given us a glimmer of hope for the second half onslaught. I can forgive any player a miss, but kicking the ball away petulantly was as in character as Crouch’s tackles were out. It made me more angry than the sending off, even if ultimately it mattered far less.

 Once Crouch slouched lankily off the pitch, head held as low as it can go, we were always going to be ripped apart. Either side we conceded cheap headers. Redknapp might not be perfect. Lennon’s illness was unfortunate. But Madrid were always going to make light of us.

 Gawd bless the Bagel. he can’t quite bring himself to say it. I can. We’re out. He insists that freak results happen. Istanbul. Arsenal v Newcastle. He’s right, one in a million games by definition do happen.  There’s a chance there’s a chance there’s a chance.

Nah. We’re out. There we go. We can’t mope about it. We need a win in the league this weekend, then let’s give it one hell of a go against Real in the second leg. Let’s get an early goal. Convince ourselves we could, possibly, maybe, just somehow pull this off. Ultimately fall well short but get a morale boosting one-off victory anyway. Then go on from there to get fourth. And do the Champions League all again, with a year’s experience and better strikers. City too far ahead, you say? That’s how we all felt after the Pompey cup defeat this time last year. I feel strangely, unjustifiably, optimistic!

The Champions League journey has been wonderful. Emotional, even. I’ve had an incredible time following my team, and doing it with good friends. But I’m getting married in the summer. We want kids. Realistically this is probably the peak of Following-Tottenham-fever for me, and it couldn’t have been better timed. I won’t ever shake the bug totally, of course. I’ll hang on to my season ticket even if I move to the other side of the world (or even if Spurs do). And my actual Tottenham fever is happily incurable. But this is the end of a great adventure. Don’t be too down, my friends. Here’s to all the great adventures yet to come.

wake-up call

‘I find the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium’. So said uncle Monty, and he may have had more than the horticultural aesthetic in mind when he said it. 

But thats for a different blog. There is beauty in humble, old fashioned produce. It can’t all be victory over AC Milan followed by Real Madrid followed by Barcelona followed by victory over Chelsea at Wembley. In fact, let’s face it, none of it can.

The premiership may not be old fashioned. A kick off at 12:45 may still be hard to adjust to (personally I like it – plenty of the day left, no sun in this shelfsider’s eyes until the 88th minute). It’s hardly jumpers for goalposts.

But a proper grudge match against West Ham is. Solid, worthy, traditional fare. As traditional as not moving to Stratford. As traditional as police dogs on the high road and fat men covered in sweat and cheap jewellery screaming obscenities. Unglamorous but not unlovely in it’s own way. Maybe a bit unlovely.

Over the years my opinion has changed more about West Ham than about any other team. As a kid, I quite liked them. They played pretty football, had a nice strip, the occasional glamour player, the occasional nutter. In Frank McAvennie, they had the complete package. From my vantage point, the peaceful footballing backwater of Glasgow, what was not to like? 

Moving to London changed all that. We’re their Arsenal. They despise us. They think we despise them back, and we revel in seeing them as little more than an occasional irritant, a fly to be swatted away. They don’t like Harry Redknapp, which to me is, like, SO 2008. They didn’t win the World Cup, either, by the way. 

They were my wake-up call. I knew about Arsenal, of course, but this? The world didn’t love Tottenham. We didn’t love the world back. 

Today was not, and never will be, the east London derby – thank the Lord Coe. We were glad to grant West Ham that Pyrrhic victory but today the dropped points hurt a lot more.

Coulda woulda shoulda. We came close several times. Dawson early, Bale late. Lennon. Wood was worked. Green too. A couple of stingers late on from Pavlyuchenko.

Modric had the freedom of White Hart Lane in the first half, but wasn’t quite at his sparkling best. It happens. Early on Bale looked like he might give Jacobssen a torrid time, but on the left and on the right this wasn’t his day. Even superheroes need time to play themselves back into form.

Corluka was guilty of too many poorly executed passes that led to promising attacks breaking down. Fvonderfvoort sprayed some nice balls around but we are starting to see that he might not be capable of sustained brilliance. Whether through disruptive injuries or just lack of form, he hasn’t been at his best for some time now. It’s a worry.

And yet – we still created chances against a well organized Hammers, who should be safe on this showing. You just needed one to go in. You just needed your striker to show his quality.

And today he did. Defoe showed his quality. Top 8 quality, in a team riddled with top 4 quality elsewhere on the pitch. I’ve had it with Defoe. More than once, the Hammers’ chant of ‘Jermain Defoe, he’s a c***’ was drowned out by ‘Jermain Defoe, he’s a Yiddo’. I can’t be the only one who was thinking – and let’s be charitable – the truth is actually somewhere in between.

I have nothing personal against him. I don’t think his attitude is wanting. He obviously loves playing. He cares. He just doesn’t have enough quality. He can’t do it. At all, this season. Even in his good years he blows hot and cold. He doesn’t do it at the top level. He just isn’t top level, in the position you need it most. He always needs one too many touches. He lacks composure. When he’s good, he’s very good. But he’s never good enough for very long. He’ll score more this season, and I’ll still be right.

You can point to any number of reasons why this game wasn’t won. I’m not saying Defoe is the only one, and if Gomes hadn’t brought off a couple of excellent saves, one in each half, it could have been worse. 

But on a day where all our players weren’t quite at their top level, they still created enough chances to win three or four games. All with a front man who fails to give defenders something to think about for 90 minutes, and who isn’t clinical enough to make it all worthwhile. What does Jermain Defoe do exactly? West Ham don’t irritate me. Tottenham do.

It’s been an odd week. The excitement of the draw with Madrid has to be tempered by the knowledge that it’s probably the end of the Champions League road. And at the end of that road, what happens to this Tottenham team? We have two players who all of Europe would take in a shot. We can surely expect at best only one of them to hang around for long. A striker who can win you scrappy games 1-0 will get you back in to the Champions League spots. That’s the only thing that can keep this team together.

If we had signed a truly top quality striker in the summer or January, it might have been the beginning of something special. Instead this week feels like it might be the beginning of the end.

the hat (part two)

Shakhtar Donetsk

 Pros: Winnable
Cons: Away leg will be very tough and very expensive to watch

 If it weren’t for the ridiculous away trip to the Ukraine, one might wonder if Shakhtar would have made it as far as they have. One would probably be wrong though. The only game that they didn’t win in this year’s Euro-run was the 5-1 drubbing just down the road from us. That aside, however, and it’s pretty impressive reading. With six goals past Roma – three away and three at home – there’s no trouble in front of the net. Conceding just two, there don’t seem to be any major issues with their backs to it either.

Shakhtar are currently well clear at the top of the Ukrainian league and they’re not going to be afraid of coming to 36,000 seater stadium in North London to get shouted at by us – partly because they’ve done it before, although this time I should imagine Harry will make his team selection a little more carefully. Their squad sheet might read like a Ukrainian phonebook but do not be mistaken. This lot will be winners. Oh, and Eduardo.

Real Madrid
Pros: Great trip, massive name, occasion to rise to
Cons: They’re a bit good and they’ve got Mourinho

 Mouth-watering. That’s how to describe two games with Real Madrid. My mouth is actually watering right now. We’ve already had to pinch ourselves at seeing both the red and blacks and blue and blacks of Milan and Inter grace the turf at White Heart Lane but all white of the all time top European club that is Real Madrid would be something else. Sadly, it’ll never happen as we’d get their away strip but the meaning of the occasion would be big enough if not their shirts. Technically, of course, they’re not through until tonight but who’d bet against them?

Real would absolutely be the favourites but there’s every chance that that could work for us just as much as it would them. We would raise our game for them higher than you’ve ever seen it before. If our hearts swelled enough for us to fly when we played Inter, we would soar against Madrid. Yes, their squad sheet is impressive but perhaps not as mind-boggling as it has been in years gone by with our biggest advantage that at least we know a little about their best player and indeed a few of the others as well. What’s more, if Chelsea have got a monkey on their backs about winning this competition, Real have got a gorilla.

Barcelona

 Pros: Amazing experience for one and all
Cons: Almost certainly the end of the line

 It would almost be an honour to get knocked out by Barcelona and it’s probably as much that very mentality as anything else that would defeat us before we’d even begun. It would be hard enough to beat Barca on what is virtually home turf at Wembley in a one off game but home and away is nigh on impossible. Our only hope would be having the Camp Nou leg first. It’s conceivable that they’d take their foot off the pedal at 4-0 and face a lot more spirit at White Hart Lane than they’d bargained for. Conceivable, but just one notch away from impossible. If, for whatever reason, Pique and Puyol were out – along with Eric Abidal who’s sadly been diagnosed with cancer of the liver – we might be able to cause them some trouble in the air, but that’s presuming we ever got the ball.

The positives would be a fantastic trip out there for almost as many as want to go and being able to tell our grandchildren that we saw the best football team ever play right in front of our eyes. But perhaps the best bonus of all – if Bale has a fantastic game against them, at least that will send his price up. If he has a bad one, they might leave him alone.

Conclusion

 So, all things considered, this is the order of who I’d most prefer us to play:

1. Schalke
2. Real Madrid
3. Shakhtar Donetsk
4. Chelsea
5. Manchester United
6. Barcelona
7. Inter

In an ideal world, we’d play Schalke in the quarters, Real in the semis and Barca in the final. Now that would be a story to tell your grandkids.

Let us know in the comments what order you’d like to play them and why.

Fingers crossed for Friday.